


Self vs Self

by JacobeanMove



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, but i promise it isn't super dark, contains references to depression and death, entails their relationship but isn't shippy in any real sense, just blantant over-analysing of characters that were never meant to be taken this seriously, of the boys as well as my own psyche i guess, which is the only way i can write apparently
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28936776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacobeanMove/pseuds/JacobeanMove
Summary: This isn't really ~fic~ in the strictest sense of the word; it's literally a few paragraphs from my dairy (with some minor edits). I wrote this over the summer of 2020, when I was fully immersed in the fandom and it was my main coping mechanism :'))Duality in all things intrigues me, and I found that certain dualities in myself also very much show in Rimmer and Lister. So that's basically what I ramble about here.It's a bit stream-of-consciousness-y, and I do hope it makes sense (or would be interesting at all) to anyone but myself, hahah! Some bits may seem very personal, but I'm also certain they're more universal than I think, which is why I decided to share this anyway, haha.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Kudos: 5





	Self vs Self

**Author's Note:**

> The "picture" mentioned at the end refers to a drawing I made at a therapist's appointment once, when asked to draw "if you(r life) could be anything/anywhere at all right now, where would you be and what would you be doing". (Highkey tropical paradise dreams, lads.)

Lister is me generally bumming around, doing my own thing, what I want, when I want, pretty much living the life (without fully realizing it). Rimmer is me feeling guilty about that 24/7, and the need to “be someone” and “do stuff”, though also knowing I’m 100% incapable of that because I’m stupid.

Society/family having such a grip on my subconscious that I don’t even have a clue of what I want for myself, and who I even am. Knowing that it’s useless to even try because I’ll never be enough, I’ll never live up to this completely fabricated ideal. Not even fabricated by anyone (although I blame ~them~) other than myself.

Lister is me saying I’ve got to chill it with that shit, and there’s zero need to be someone, there’s just life and enjoying it while it lasts and who cares what you do or don’t achieve, as long as you enjoy it, you’ve lived. It really is as simple as that. At least it is for Lister.

Rimmer is also me being a smug git and thinking I’m the only interesting person on the planet and why can’t everyone be like me, while at the same time hating myself in a most crippling fashion and self-sabotaging at every turn, and why won’t anyone love me but at the same time who in their right mind even would?

Someone _not_ in their right mind then, I guess. Someone maybe like Lister, who’s actually just as broken. With his imaginary soulmate and his unattainable dreams about life in some tropical paradise.

And he knows that won’t actually happen, he knows deep down, but he has to believe it will happen or he might as well just smeg off and die now, and he will believe it’ll happen until the actual day he dies. And even then he’ll still believe it, because that’s just the kind of idiotic optimist he is.

And deep down this is what Rimmer admires about Lister more than anything, because he was raised a pessimist and he just _thinks_ he has dreams and aspirations, but he doesn’t, really. They’re just what his mind tells him to do, not his soul.

He doesn’t even know if he has a soul, to be honest. Lister does, though. Have a soul, I mean. And he’s the kind of idiot who will believe Rimmer has one too. And just that, in fact, might be proof enough to Rimmer that maybe he does, indeed. (Maybe.)

Softening up towards Lister is probably the key to softening up towards himself. I mean, Lister is the key to Rimmer. Just as Rimmer is the key to Lister, who does need a kick up the backside from time to time, let that be clear at least.

Some fake discipline and the need to achieve at least some tiny thing by bedtime, are vital when the slobbing around is turning into a full-blown depression. It’s important to know that difference, between a bit of lazy hedonism and full-on lethargy. Lister doesn’t always, but Rimmer does.

Rimmer spots depression from a mile away and gets all rational about it, gets into saviour mode, even if this is something he doesn’t even realize himself. Rimmer is all the coping mechanisms, because they’re what he’s been doing all his life. No wonder he doesn’t know who he is, he’s never had the chance to just… be.

It’s something he envies about Lister, how easy things seem to him, how easy life seems to him. Just, you know, being.

Although, for Lister that’s probably often an act, to be honest, though he’d be too stubborn to admit it. That’s how optimists cope. Because they have to. Because they don’t know anything else. Because anything else would mean death.

Rimmer however, has been through death. He’s seen all of it. On the one hand it holds no meaning to him anymore, on the other hand it’s with him always. He has no answers.

Lister needs no answers. He’s fine not knowing. Rimmer isn’t, though. He’s always searching.

Well, I guess if it comes down to it, they both are. Not for the meaning of life and death per se, though. They know they’ll never find that. Not intentionally at least.

Rimmer’s searching for himself. Lister’s searching for some peace and quiet. For that picture. His feet in the sand, back against that palmtree, sun on his face, looking at the ocean. Maybe there’s other people there, or just the one person, or a dog, possibly a little hut or shack or something, but that’s not important at this point.

That’s his peace and quiet. Doesn’t even matter if that’s a minute or a lifetime. That’s home.

Rimmer has no idea where home is. Home could be anywhere. Home _is_ , literally, anywhere.

But home is mostly here. Home is finding harmony in the chaos, a balance that seems so unattainable, when there’s no self vs self but just Self, when it’s not a struggle but it’s actually Being.

Rimmer would say that’s impossible to accomplish. Lister, the optimist, would say it isn’t.

And that it’s not about accomplishing anyway, is it, it’s about Living.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what this was, but it happened, I guess.
> 
> Take care of yourselves, pals ♥


End file.
